Tuesday, June 16, 2009

It's been a hard week.

And, apparently, harder than even I realized.

I didn't really understand how difficult it had gotten until I found myself Saturday night square-shouldered against my Dad, being deeply impatient with him over some stupid dinner thing when I started really screaming and then just flat-out sobbing as I unleashed all the pent-up frustrations I've been feeling for the past several days.

I should have known something was wrong when every time I sat down to eat something healthy (which I did my best to do) I'd take about three bites and then push the plate away. Nothing was sounding appealing.

Then I found myself with a bottomless appetite for anything with sugar in it. I don't know that was really even cognizant of the all the stuff I was scarfing down over the week, just that I had an endless desire for it and no matter how much I ate, I didn't feel full or satisfied.

So, the Saturday-evening meltdown probably should have happened a lot earlier, and preferably not in the broadcast center of my family's home, where everyone got to listen to me rant and sob for five solid minutes.

But after I calmed down, I felt a lot better. I made peace with the troubles of the world, and finally accepted that some things change with or without our permission, and the only thing we get to choose is how to react to them.

Yes, I wish I would have reacted in a more pleasant manner all week, hitting the pool instead of the ice cream carton. And I wish that my default coping mechanism wasn't to find the unhealthiest thing in the room to eat when I'm stressed out.

But tonight, I'm going back into the pool. And hopefully tomorrow's weigh-in won't be atrocious, though I'm worried that it will be a nasty one. At least I caught myself after a week instead of letting it drag on longer.

Stressors will always be part of my life. I've just got to learn to handle them more appropriately.

I'm going to actively focus on hitting the gym to work out angst, and eating healthy to give myself the energy needed to battle through the next day.

And I learned that my body does have its way of letting me know I'm upset and trying to bury it: the next time I push away a plate of salad or grilled salmon, I'll know it's not just a sudden loss of appetite. It's my brain's way of telling me to work things out.

Onward and Downward!