LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically discussed after leaving a room occupied by two or more additional people.

The study, according to The Onion, contradicts decades of previous research in which respondents "adamantly denied ever having talked behind others' backs."

A Dr. Edward Phillips, professor of sociology at Utah State University, is quoted:

Our findings will come as a great shock to the millions of Americans who have assumed people do not speak derisively about them as soon as they are out of earshot. ...If you have ever feared that people whom you considered to be good friends were mercilessly mocking and insulting you shortly after you left their presence, your fears are almost certainly 100 percent correct.