Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sen. Orrin Hatch spoke Tuesday at a conference for the Motion Picture Association of America and had the crowd rolling in laughter after giving them the top things people wouldn't know without the movies:

-- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

-- If being chased through town you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's day parade. At any time of the year.

-- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. (No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you’d like without difficulty.)

-- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

-- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over ... It will always be the exact fare.

-- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.

-- Medieval peasants always had perfect teeth.

-- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

-- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Hatch -- whose balance of the speech was loaded with talk of protecting America's intellectual property, i.e. action-packed movies, and cracking down on those people who steal copyrighted material -- totally swiped all of those jokes. A quick Google search finds those movie quips on about 24,000 sites. It's unclear who the original author was, but Hatch made 'em zing.

-- Thomas Burr

Labels: orrin hatch